Hello hello!

Today's topic... is so hard to face with that I've put it off until night time again. Hahahaha.

Where does my pain originate? I think most of it would have come from childhood traumas, or being hurt by negative gossip or comments made about me. Childhood trauma inflicted a lot of pain I guess... the pain of not being heard, not getting enough attention, not having guidance, always being alone... being made to feel that my worries and thoughts amount to nothing,.. the list goes on and on and on. And the only place I can pinpoint to where it all started was the response I get from the people surrounding me during my childhood.

What do I need to heal from it? Closure? Apologies?

I think I recognize how I'm affected by these things and how I just naturally find the exit once I realize that a similar scenario is happening. I just back out completely and try to avoid even being in a similar situation. However I've found some safety zones, or more accurately, safety people. I now have a handful of people who I know will pay attention to me, who will listen to me, who will spend time with me and will be there genuinely for me. New connections and new love turned a lot of my worries into meaningless thoughts.

Of course there are moment where self confidence or simply putting things behind me were a much better solution. I'm trying to write about this in general but... it's hard. Sometimes realizing that other people affect my opinions, judgements, thoughts.. kinda makes me feel like I'm not me. I'm so easily influenced that I wonder if the thoughts I have are actually mine, or were they just placed in my head by someone else?

Well... knowing pain and knowing how to fight it.... is definitely something everyone will go through. We all have our own scars and battles eh?

Goodnight!