Hello! :)

Hope you're having a great day thus far! Today's journaling prompt seems like it's gonna be a touch cookie to crack... until I read a post this morning. Which might or might not trigger a long rant post again...

I was reading a post by FourFeetNine earlier. It hit home right on the dot so I shared the post as well. I do hope you take a little bit of time to read it... because I felt the same way. Was it really OK for me to be smiling and happy and posting happy content while the rest of the country is suffering from COVID and it's aftereffects? 

I did probably did mention this in a few posts but I do count myself lucky and privileged to have the luxury of being physically and financially fine during this pandemic. I'm beyond thankful to be able to be where I am today, while many others aren't as lucky. And still, is it all right for me to take a deep breathe and exhale because I don't suffer from the biting effects of the pandemic? There's this tinge of guilt and uneasiness that hits whenever I want to share or post happy content... because it feels like I shouldn't be doing so?

I'm not sure how many of you understand what I'm feeling. Maybe that's why I resorted to blogging.. because after years of not blogging... I'm pretty sure hardly anyone comes here to read anymore... and I can express myself a bit more freely (although if you ARE reading, thank you for sparing me your attention!!). This is one of the many feelings that have been bothering my ever since the pandemic dragged on for over a year. Is it OK  for me to be one of the happy ones on social media when everyone is just tired and raging every day? I don't know anymore. And probably neither do you.

I'm also being bothered at how small my social circle is... at how... "close" my friendships are. Sometimes I sit back and just realize that I barely know my friends anymore. We do talk and catch up occasionally, but the gap between the times we meet up and don't... drags me to dust. Am I such a bad friend? I know deep down I've always been replaced by the better people in their lives, and I'll just be a memory of the "past times" we've had together. Yet I'm not a choice to be taken with you in the Present and Future, because of who I am. 

This issue has been following like the plague since I was a small kid. I'm not kidding you. I know I'm quiet, less social, always with a RBF and "lan ci" kind of face showing if I'm not purposely smiling, probably quite unapproachable and being the introvert that I am... I'm probably not your first choice of friend anyway. I've always wanted to change that bit of me but it's mentally challenging. My mind blacks out after an hour of interaction at most and I revert back to hide in my social shell. 

Have I mentioned before that I am aware of when I am being left out on purpose? When I'm not invited to certain events on purpose? When I'm not in group chats? When there's inside jokes or small throwbacks to times when I wasn't there? I can feel it all. The distance. I know people try to hide it from me. Not post events to stories until it's a throwback. Saying sorry after for the bojio and more. I'm tired. I'm glad I stopped bothering honestly, but it still hits me again, am I such a terrible person to have around? *shrugs* I don't even think I want to know the answer to that.

I'm sorry if I've been such a terrible friend... but I'll still cover your back if you need me. Heck, I probably say YES to almost any gathering or outings if I'm asked to attend. It's those moments that make me happier and believe more in friendships. 

Sorry for such a "down" post today! I've sneaked a peak at tomorrow's journal prompt and it should be a more happier toned blog post hehe.

Take care and good night 💓