Hello again! Today is Day 2 of the journaling prompts! What do I need more of in my life? The answer changes depending on who I am the current moment I guess.

If I was still in a busy state of work (like before lockdown), I'd want more time and energy.

If I was constantly worried over finances, I'd want more money.

If I was always in a bad mood, I'd want more relaxation and rest days.

The list goes on.

But right now? I'm in a state of languish. Languish is the lack of motivation, aim and happiness. I was constantly feeling this way since the lockdowns started, never knew the right term or word for it until Mossery posted about it yesterday on Instagram. Absence of purpose. That really sums up my lockdown. My work requires full time field work for me to be effective spending time. Sales work... is so much more productive with face to face meetings and body language ques, and being there to understand my clients better. It's just so different.

And so I've been spending more time playing games, reading books, watching YouTube videos, scrolling social media, occasionally painting or completing dot-to-dot pages, etc. I feel like I'm constantly in a state of flow without purpose.

I need purpose in my life for me. I wake up not knowing what I want to be doing. And it feels so empty. Some days I try to set goals for myself. Paint a page. Read a chapter. Complete the quests on the game. But it still feels like it's not a proper purpose in my life. It's not the steps to the big picture that I want. Being at home all time is nice and relaxing at first but once you're forced to stay at home? That's a different story alltogether.

I feel like I finally have time to do things that I've forgotten I love. Like painting. I still don't do it as often as I'd like because... well.. technology and being surrounded by screens... But I am thankful for time to enjoy my hobbies again. I wish I had more motivation to do this on a constant basis. Maybe then my skills would actually improve instead of being roughly the same...? Also my supplies are getting old... 

Maybe that's why I'm doing this 30 day journaling prompt challenge. To give some purpose into my daily life. Waking up knowing "I have to blog about this topic today!", sorta gives me something to look forward to later in the day. Even while typing this, I'm taking mini breaks in between. I'm even on a 4 weeks workout challenge at the moment! So far I'm on Day 25 and I'm loving the results I'm seeing despite not being on a proper diet or eating clean. I just needed a plan or schedule to follow to keep my body active during the lockdowns. Know what I mean?

I find these challenges much easier to do if I have a partner or friend doing it with me. But right now I'm doing it all alone hahaha. At the end of the day, I'm alone but not lonely. 

I want more social connections too. Staying at home all the time... I feel like I've forgotten how to speak to people. How to naturally be friends with people. How to start conversations to learn more about people. Please teach me how to be friends with people again... I feel so awkward talking to people now. As in physically talking. It's like my throat has forgotten how to speak.

I was walking Cuddles the other day, and I tried to greet the other people on their walks or exercise. I literally said "Morning!" when it's evening... and the uncle just smiled and nodded back at me. That was embarassing, not knowing what time of the day it is. Most other times all I do is smile and wave to the other folks. It's nice when they do the same nod and wave back. I haven't managed to go past that though. Occasionally it's just a few words of exchange, but I still don't know their names hahaha. Then again I only talk with like 2-3 people on a daily basis (le boyfie included) so I guess having a small circle is ok too. I'm sorry if I'm such a bad friend hahaha.

Well.. I guess I'm ending this blog post here.

Right now I need more aim and goals in my life, more social connections, and more purpose! Currently doing 2 types of challenges to keep myself in sync with life, maybe I'll pick another challenge up for my own wellbeing. Feel free to suggest any challenges that are good to do! :)