Hello.

It's been a long time since I've even logged in properly on my blog. It certainly feels nostalgic to look back on how I used to think, how I used to voice out my thoughts, how I used to view the world... So many years have passed since then and I'm happy to say that I've changed. Everyone has changed. The world has changed. We're all moving baby steps forward, and yet it's still great to look back occasionally to see how far we've grown. This blog post is here to dump my current stream of thoughts, so I do apologize in advanced if it jumps from topic to topic... I do need an outlet to release my thoughts :)

COVID-19 has changed everyone's lives drastically, mine included. I was first scared the heck out of it when I first heard wind of it around December 2019. When it started slowly spreading in Malaysia, before any of us really realize how deadly it could be. Fast forward quarantines, MCOs, and it's currently 2021? Time flew by so fast and now we're all stuck at home (mostly), trying to make ends meet. Yet the only thing I can say is that I'm super grateful for the luxury that I have right now.

Said luxury is...

Having a roof over my head. 

Having food to eat daily. 

Having good, stable finances. 

Having a secure job that still pays me. 

Having good health. 

Being able to see my family still healthy and alive. 

Being COVID free.

Being alive. 

and so much more that I might have taken for granted.

The one thing I really dislike is the fact that we're all at home. Socially distancing. It's like I forgot how to interact with people. It's like my social skills have deteriorated and right now I'm asking myself, how do I make a new friend again? I only speak to a handful of people on a daily or weekly basis. It's like my location-based friends are no longer (like work based friends, sports based friends, game based friends, etc). Yet I wonder when all this ends, will we be able to just casually pick up from where we left off?

I've been to the clinic a few times last month as well. Was a pretty scary time for me back in June. I was experiencing difficulties breathing at night. It felt like my chest was tight and pressured, the only way I could take a deep breath was to sit up, or to lay facing downwards. The fact that it only happened at night? Made me so scared to sleep. At times it felt like I was passing out instead of sleeping, and then I couldn't sleep. Going to doctors only made them pass it off as anxiety because my blood tests came back normal. And I still don't think I was stressed out or actually being anxious about anything.

They told me to relax and do more relaxing things. I was already doing that all day long. The only time I could breathe properly was when I was working out. Exercising properly made my body breathe correctly to maximize the workout movements I was doing. Then I stopped drinking tea, protein shakes, vitamin C, and suddenly I could breathe again at night. Was it just allergy? Was it triggered by foods? I have no idea. And neither do they.

I'm much better now by the way. I've been following a home workout programme and it has since strengthened my chest and back muscles, as well as my core. I didn't realize how bad of a couch potato the work from home life was turning me into. I was slowly gaining back all the weight I worked so hard to lose previously. My PCOS striked again, but listening to subliminals helped with that. It's dawned on me again how simple subliminals and daily affirmations can change one's life drastically. I remembered my best sales work achievements were during the times I kept listening to subliminals, and repeated positive affirmations to myself daily. Such a blessing to have positive thoughts and mindsets.

I do hope I will continue to live positively after this. It's a tough routine to drill into my body and system. Subliminals. Affirmations. Scripting. Journaling. Listening to podcasts. I am definitely thankful for discovering these methods to improve myself. It might not be for everyone, and even I don't practise this daily, but I know it helps my mental state whenever I need it. 

I do enjoy catching up with the latest animes, and the mangas behind them. Heck, I've even discovered some pretty good light novel reads as well! I'm amazed at how translators can do their best to retain the original meaning of the words across languages. I wanted to learn Japanese too. I was pretty good at the basics during the 1st MCO, but once I started getting back into my work routine, I did not make it a priority anymore. But my love for anime and mangas are still the same as always.

I've loved waching anime and reading manga as a kid. But growing up with people who didn't have the same interests as me made me feel so alone. So left out. I've seen some people who courageously told the whole world they liked anime and manga, and they were so bullied. So left out. I didn't want to end up like that. It was sad, trying to hide what I love without being able to share it with like minded people. These days it's easier, because I have Jason in my life. I've probably influenced him a great deal. He even listens to Japanese music now because of me. HAHAHA.

I already feel a lot better after writing a big chunk here on this blog post. The only thing still weighing on my mind, and something I've been trying to avoid... is change at the work place. I am so thankful to have found a nice boss and colleagues. My boss gives me opportunities to grow, and it comes together with a pay raise and promotion. I was so happy about it yet I felt like I did not deserve it at all. I felt like I wasn't ready, like I'm not that great of a staff he thinks I am. I felt so small at the meeting tables because I was the youngest, and the one with the least experience. I know it's a good stepping stone to learn and observe more. But I can't help but feel like I'm not doing enough to deserve the position that was given to me. I should be working harder to put myself on the threshold that I believe I should achieve eh?

I do binge watch videos on YouTube or read books that support my profession from time to time. Yet the lack of chances to actually practice what I've learnt because of the lockdowns right now.. feels like another all back and no bite moment you know? If it's anything else I've learnt to acknowledge about myself, it's that I don't like change. Change is good, but I am afraid of it still. I know I need to change certain habits to grow, yet I still fear the change. I guess deep down I am a Taurus haha. A stubborn fool who wants to do things the same way over and over again.

Yet this same fool realizes that the thoughts I think will shape me, the food I eat will shape me, the things I do will shape me. All that I am doing and thinking will define who I am. And to be the person I aim to become in the future, I do have to change. One small step at a time. Will you keep watching over how I change over the years? Who knows? I do hope that when I read my blog all over again in the future, that I'll be a much better person. That I'm grateful that I've become who I am then.

Tata folks! Thanks for reading :)