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Hello hello!

This prompt... brings back so many regrets. Hahaha.

This brings back memories of the things I've done, but not with 100% effort :

• I've wanted to keep blogging until I became an influencer - then I stopped cause of SPM and so the opportunities stopped as well. My peak was probably the Korea trip hahah! I'll never forget that :)
• YouTube!! I had a streak of posting piano covers before - and then I stopped - again.
• Piano - poverty is a sad thing ha.. ha... ha... and now that I have a keyboard at home it's laziness.

Hello hello!

This post is pretty hard to figure out... Guess it lies in every person eh? Always easier to see the downs of ourselves instead of our ups - and when someone points it out it's kinda difficult to accept it because of our self standards and the "internet standard".

What would I really count as my strength? What am I really good at?

• Self discipline. 
• Being punctual. 
• Following instructions. 
• Making the first conversation (I've made so many friends this way lol). 
• Loyalty (even for games I play the same game for like years before I give it up lol)
• Listening.
• Learning fast. Picking up things easily. Learning from observation.

Hello hello!

Today's topic... is so hard to face with that I've put it off until night time again. Hahahaha.

Where does my pain originate? I think most of it would have come from childhood traumas, or being hurt by negative gossip or comments made about me. Childhood trauma inflicted a lot of pain I guess... the pain of not being heard, not getting enough attention, not having guidance, always being alone... being made to feel that my worries and thoughts amount to nothing,.. the list goes on and on and on. And the only place I can pinpoint to where it all started was the response I get from the people surrounding me during my childhood.

What do I need to heal from it? Closure? Apologies?

I think I recognize how I'm affected by these things and how I just naturally find the exit once I realize that a similar scenario is happening. I just back out completely and try to avoid even being in a similar situation. However I've found some safety zones, or more accurately, safety people. I now have a handful of people who I know will pay attention to me, who will listen to me, who will spend time with me and will be there genuinely for me. New connections and new love turned a lot of my worries into meaningless thoughts.

Of course there are moment where self confidence or simply putting things behind me were a much better solution. I'm trying to write about this in general but... it's hard. Sometimes realizing that other people affect my opinions, judgements, thoughts.. kinda makes me feel like I'm not me. I'm so easily influenced that I wonder if the thoughts I have are actually mine, or were they just placed in my head by someone else?

Well... knowing pain and knowing how to fight it.... is definitely something everyone will go through. We all have our own scars and battles eh?

Goodnight!

Hello hello!

Guess who's finally gotten their vaccine appointment? lol 

I got the notification shortly pass midnight last night... and it wasn't the vaccine that I wanted. But after thinking about it, I'll just accept it and move on. Herd immunity over being selfish eh? I know I won't like the vaccine I'm getting but it's either I take it or I wait an unknown period for another one. *shrugs* They say don't settle, but... oh well.

To answer today's journaling prompt, I actually find myself mostly inspired by the success of other people. I like listening to people's success stories. When they've failed and tried and failed and yet still try again! It's quite inspiring to listen. I know some things by heart. Like do the same things 100 times and you'll get better and attain success! Be consistent and you'll see small changes accumulate into big changes! And more, but sometime hearing other people's struggles and how they finally manage to overcome it, kind of makes it feel OK, that anyone can do it, that I CAN DO IT TOO.

Art wise I do find myself influenced a lot of Chinese, Japanese and Korean art. Especially their traditional wear! I've always had a fancy for their traditional wear. I find it so classy and elegant yet the characters always looks so gorgeous and beautiful! Call this the influence of animes, donghuas, and more - but I'm in love with it to the point I tried making arts base on those references. It's nowhere near as good as I want it to be, but I like it! Aim is to one day own some for myself even if I only wear it at home T.T

I actually almost forgot to type this journaling prompt today. I had some motivation to do some field work today so I left the house... who knew that leaving the house made me forget about my blog... until I was going to shut down the laptop to go to sleep HAHAHA. So here I am, last minute chugging out my inspiration for this blog post.

Another thing that I get inspired by are other's peoples sharings, especially on Instagram or Youtube. I know it's not 100% the truth, as nothing on social media is every 100% as perceived by the eye, but I do like it when they post their journals spreads, their art, their photography, their food reviews, and more! Everyone is a story teller, cause you'll never know what small information you share that will inspire someone else in life.

I wonder if I ever inspired someone else before?

Well, goodnight!

Hello hello!

I'm so exhausted right now. Hahaha. I decided to start a workout challenge today with Hsuen! Day 1 was so hard already, I do hope I grow stronger and am able to finish it strongly instead of like... limping towards the finish line HAHAHA. I managed to squeeze the workout in before my morning meeting so that felt like an achievement of the day for me. I even charged my MiFitBand last night so I can track the calories burnt HAHAHA. 

At this rate... I might even be motivated to do a double workout this evening huhuhu. I know it's not good to overexert the body... but after walking Cuddles in the evening I always feel a little restless if I have extra energy. Maybe a simple stretch workout? Eh. I'll figure it out then hehe.

I had back to back office meetings today and it was... mentally exhausting. That's all I'll say.

Now on to answer today's journaling prompt!

What makes me come alive? When was the last time I felt truly alive?

Firstly... what does it mean to come alive? 

It's another tough question eh?

I like the rush of adrenaline when doing sports. I like the fulfillment and content when I produce a piece of art that I like. I like the feeling of my imagination flowing whenever I read books. I like the thrill when I play games with difficult contents to clear. I like the dopamine burst after finishing an exercise routine. I like chilling and taking pictures with my friends cause we're always having fun. I like cuddling with le boyfie and falling asleep easily cause I feel safe and loved. I like decorating my journals and planners, and of course the stationary shopping that follows!), it makes times pass by so easily.

There's so many things I do with so many feelings involved. I feel alive then.

When was the last time I felt truly alive? I can't quite remember. Possible before the COVID pandemic came and put a lid on everything. Everything I've been feeling was like.. a muted version. I just want this to end, and maybe leaving the house without restrictions will be the heartbeat I need again :) The heartbeat that WE ALL NEED.

Take care :)