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Hello hello!

Today's topic... is so hard to face with that I've put it off until night time again. Hahahaha.

Where does my pain originate? I think most of it would have come from childhood traumas, or being hurt by negative gossip or comments made about me. Childhood trauma inflicted a lot of pain I guess... the pain of not being heard, not getting enough attention, not having guidance, always being alone... being made to feel that my worries and thoughts amount to nothing,.. the list goes on and on and on. And the only place I can pinpoint to where it all started was the response I get from the people surrounding me during my childhood.

What do I need to heal from it? Closure? Apologies?

I think I recognize how I'm affected by these things and how I just naturally find the exit once I realize that a similar scenario is happening. I just back out completely and try to avoid even being in a similar situation. However I've found some safety zones, or more accurately, safety people. I now have a handful of people who I know will pay attention to me, who will listen to me, who will spend time with me and will be there genuinely for me. New connections and new love turned a lot of my worries into meaningless thoughts.

Of course there are moment where self confidence or simply putting things behind me were a much better solution. I'm trying to write about this in general but... it's hard. Sometimes realizing that other people affect my opinions, judgements, thoughts.. kinda makes me feel like I'm not me. I'm so easily influenced that I wonder if the thoughts I have are actually mine, or were they just placed in my head by someone else?

Well... knowing pain and knowing how to fight it.... is definitely something everyone will go through. We all have our own scars and battles eh?

Goodnight!

Hello hello!

Guess who's finally gotten their vaccine appointment? lol 

I got the notification shortly pass midnight last night... and it wasn't the vaccine that I wanted. But after thinking about it, I'll just accept it and move on. Herd immunity over being selfish eh? I know I won't like the vaccine I'm getting but it's either I take it or I wait an unknown period for another one. *shrugs* They say don't settle, but... oh well.

To answer today's journaling prompt, I actually find myself mostly inspired by the success of other people. I like listening to people's success stories. When they've failed and tried and failed and yet still try again! It's quite inspiring to listen. I know some things by heart. Like do the same things 100 times and you'll get better and attain success! Be consistent and you'll see small changes accumulate into big changes! And more, but sometime hearing other people's struggles and how they finally manage to overcome it, kind of makes it feel OK, that anyone can do it, that I CAN DO IT TOO.

Art wise I do find myself influenced a lot of Chinese, Japanese and Korean art. Especially their traditional wear! I've always had a fancy for their traditional wear. I find it so classy and elegant yet the characters always looks so gorgeous and beautiful! Call this the influence of animes, donghuas, and more - but I'm in love with it to the point I tried making arts base on those references. It's nowhere near as good as I want it to be, but I like it! Aim is to one day own some for myself even if I only wear it at home T.T

I actually almost forgot to type this journaling prompt today. I had some motivation to do some field work today so I left the house... who knew that leaving the house made me forget about my blog... until I was going to shut down the laptop to go to sleep HAHAHA. So here I am, last minute chugging out my inspiration for this blog post.

Another thing that I get inspired by are other's peoples sharings, especially on Instagram or Youtube. I know it's not 100% the truth, as nothing on social media is every 100% as perceived by the eye, but I do like it when they post their journals spreads, their art, their photography, their food reviews, and more! Everyone is a story teller, cause you'll never know what small information you share that will inspire someone else in life.

I wonder if I ever inspired someone else before?

Well, goodnight!

Hello hello!

I'm so exhausted right now. Hahaha. I decided to start a workout challenge today with Hsuen! Day 1 was so hard already, I do hope I grow stronger and am able to finish it strongly instead of like... limping towards the finish line HAHAHA. I managed to squeeze the workout in before my morning meeting so that felt like an achievement of the day for me. I even charged my MiFitBand last night so I can track the calories burnt HAHAHA. 

At this rate... I might even be motivated to do a double workout this evening huhuhu. I know it's not good to overexert the body... but after walking Cuddles in the evening I always feel a little restless if I have extra energy. Maybe a simple stretch workout? Eh. I'll figure it out then hehe.

I had back to back office meetings today and it was... mentally exhausting. That's all I'll say.

Now on to answer today's journaling prompt!

What makes me come alive? When was the last time I felt truly alive?

Firstly... what does it mean to come alive? 

It's another tough question eh?

I like the rush of adrenaline when doing sports. I like the fulfillment and content when I produce a piece of art that I like. I like the feeling of my imagination flowing whenever I read books. I like the thrill when I play games with difficult contents to clear. I like the dopamine burst after finishing an exercise routine. I like chilling and taking pictures with my friends cause we're always having fun. I like cuddling with le boyfie and falling asleep easily cause I feel safe and loved. I like decorating my journals and planners, and of course the stationary shopping that follows!), it makes times pass by so easily.

There's so many things I do with so many feelings involved. I feel alive then.

When was the last time I felt truly alive? I can't quite remember. Possible before the COVID pandemic came and put a lid on everything. Everything I've been feeling was like.. a muted version. I just want this to end, and maybe leaving the house without restrictions will be the heartbeat I need again :) The heartbeat that WE ALL NEED.

Take care :)

Hello hello!

Oh wow! Yesterday's journal prompt was about ideal mornings, and today's prompt is about ideal days. Haha! A continuation eh prompt eh? I likey.

For how my ideal morning would sound like, read this blog post HERE to find out :)

And to continue from that post to fill an entire day.... after the ideal morning routine as in the previous post, I'd probably continue with work if it's a work day. Work days that end with me coming home by early evening so I can take my doggo on a walk, followed by an exercise routine if I didn't get to do it in the morning. A nice rest followed by having dinner, and a shower after feels nice. I like leaving the rest of the night open for free time! I could be catching up on episodes, reading new chapters, binging videos or talking to people, the nights are always where I destress and consume media hahaha. Then I sleep before midnight hehe. 

If I don't have work on that day like most weekends, I'd prefer to replace work time with a good date with le boyfie or my girlfriends! I could also fill up that time with my hobbies, or just chill the whole day. Sometimes, life doesn't have to be so complicated with back-to-back things to do, checking off to-do lists, working that side hustle etc etc. You do you. And I prefer to chill.

If I was motivated to do something I'd probably get on my ass to work it out, but as of now, it's WFH period and lockdowns left and right, I'm still happy with the chill lifestyle. Gives me more time to myself :)

And that's how my ideal day would look like haha! I think I'm a simple person. Same routine every day lol :)

Good night!

Hello hello!

What does my ideal morning look like? Hehe, it'll go a little something like this:

Making my bed.

Getting breakfast.

Reading or writing some affirmations.

A good sweaty morning workout!

Followed by a shower and etc (definitely!)

A nice skin care routine and getting dressed for the day.

Finally, off to do daily work things.

That sums up what an ideal morning looks like for me. Does it happen usually? Yes, when I'm on work from home, it mostly happens in that order (with distractions of course!).

Some distraction include checking phone notifications and chats, opening games for guild events, lazing on the bed before rolling off, and waking up late HAHA. Sometimes after I'm done with the whole routine I have to go down for lunch, not work LOL.

I'm going to try to go back for field work next week onwards. So I'm not even sure how I'll be able to follow this ideal morning routine. I might just have to make my body get used to sleeping early and waking up early! I used to workout early in the mornings (like 7am!) just so I could shower and get ready for work at the usual hours.

If the reason is strong enough, appropriate action should follow right? lol

Knowing myself, I would probably choose extra sleep time in the mornings, and then rotate workouts back into the evening sessions. I find that healthier for my sleep schedule when I'm working. I'll find out how to adjust my ideal morning and evening routines next week hehe.

Take care!