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 Hello again! Today is Day 2 of the journaling prompts! What do I need more of in my life? The answer changes depending on who I am the current moment I guess.

If I was still in a busy state of work (like before lockdown), I'd want more time and energy.

If I was constantly worried over finances, I'd want more money.

If I was always in a bad mood, I'd want more relaxation and rest days.

The list goes on.

But right now? I'm in a state of languish. Languish is the lack of motivation, aim and happiness. I was constantly feeling this way since the lockdowns started, never knew the right term or word for it until Mossery posted about it yesterday on Instagram. Absence of purpose. That really sums up my lockdown. My work requires full time field work for me to be effective spending time. Sales work... is so much more productive with face to face meetings and body language ques, and being there to understand my clients better. It's just so different.

And so I've been spending more time playing games, reading books, watching YouTube videos, scrolling social media, occasionally painting or completing dot-to-dot pages, etc. I feel like I'm constantly in a state of flow without purpose.

I need purpose in my life for me. I wake up not knowing what I want to be doing. And it feels so empty. Some days I try to set goals for myself. Paint a page. Read a chapter. Complete the quests on the game. But it still feels like it's not a proper purpose in my life. It's not the steps to the big picture that I want. Being at home all time is nice and relaxing at first but once you're forced to stay at home? That's a different story alltogether.

I feel like I finally have time to do things that I've forgotten I love. Like painting. I still don't do it as often as I'd like because... well.. technology and being surrounded by screens... But I am thankful for time to enjoy my hobbies again. I wish I had more motivation to do this on a constant basis. Maybe then my skills would actually improve instead of being roughly the same...? Also my supplies are getting old... 

Maybe that's why I'm doing this 30 day journaling prompt challenge. To give some purpose into my daily life. Waking up knowing "I have to blog about this topic today!", sorta gives me something to look forward to later in the day. Even while typing this, I'm taking mini breaks in between. I'm even on a 4 weeks workout challenge at the moment! So far I'm on Day 25 and I'm loving the results I'm seeing despite not being on a proper diet or eating clean. I just needed a plan or schedule to follow to keep my body active during the lockdowns. Know what I mean?

I find these challenges much easier to do if I have a partner or friend doing it with me. But right now I'm doing it all alone hahaha. At the end of the day, I'm alone but not lonely. 

I want more social connections too. Staying at home all the time... I feel like I've forgotten how to speak to people. How to naturally be friends with people. How to start conversations to learn more about people. Please teach me how to be friends with people again... I feel so awkward talking to people now. As in physically talking. It's like my throat has forgotten how to speak.

I was walking Cuddles the other day, and I tried to greet the other people on their walks or exercise. I literally said "Morning!" when it's evening... and the uncle just smiled and nodded back at me. That was embarassing, not knowing what time of the day it is. Most other times all I do is smile and wave to the other folks. It's nice when they do the same nod and wave back. I haven't managed to go past that though. Occasionally it's just a few words of exchange, but I still don't know their names hahaha. Then again I only talk with like 2-3 people on a daily basis (le boyfie included) so I guess having a small circle is ok too. I'm sorry if I'm such a bad friend hahaha.

Well.. I guess I'm ending this blog post here.

Right now I need more aim and goals in my life, more social connections, and more purpose! Currently doing 2 types of challenges to keep myself in sync with life, maybe I'll pick another challenge up for my own wellbeing. Feel free to suggest any challenges that are good to do! :)

After publishing a post yesterday on my blog... I feel like writing was a great way to get my conscious thoughts out of my head instead of staying cramped up within me. I decided to follow a month's worth of daily journaling prompts as my blog post guides for the next 30 days. I'll keep the prompts as the titles for reference. 

Just a selfie update for you hehehe so this blog post isn't just words.

Right now I'm typing this post while listening to songs on Spotify... truly a blessing to have music in my life. The types of songs I listen to can change my mood instantly! I am feeling very calm these days, despite all the chaos and rush that's going on outside as COVID-19 continues to seep into everyone's daily lives. There are only things that I can do, that we all can do to prevent getting infected. Stay home? Check. Follow SOPs? Check. Wearing face masks when outside? Check. Keeping our physical distance? Check. Yet the spiral of never ending cases daily stems from those who chose to ignore the rules, those who continue to make exceptions, those who are ignorant to the results of their actions that will affect everyone around them. 

On the other hand I am pretty excited for dinner time to roll around. I feel like my evening routine is the only time of the day I look forward to daily. I start taking Cuddles on her evening walk if it's not raining, followed by a 30-40 minutes workout to keep my body active. Getting some movement into my daily life is much better than being a 100% couch potato hehe. I have dinner after my workouts so replenish my body with the nutrients it needs, then a short hour online to rest before taking a shower haha. Don't just my routine! To each their own hehehe.

My morning routine is still quite flexible... My body no longer wakes at the usual time I do when I prepare to go to work. There's no more sense of urgency, so my body slumbers on it's own until it's ready for the day. So my mornings are generally slow, but I do get my breakfast, my self time affirmations and a quiet moment to go through my thoughts... and catching up on Discord/Whatsapp/Instagram/email messages. I take my time to catch up on the happenings hahaha. Although I personally find mornings more productive when I have a work scheduled meeting or training session going on. If I can't get any of these on my work schedule I try to find a YouTube video or an article to get some pointers to improve my workflow in the future. Never stop learning... that's what they say :)

These aimless moments have gotten me do look forward to things that actually lay a path of things to do in order for me to feel motivated. Likes games with actual story missions to clear, or a target to aim for. Honestly games are the only thing giving me life during the entire pandemic. Really happy to have a lively game community to talk to daily. Never underestimate gamers!!! I used to be a f2p (free to play) player, but I've now transitioned to a dolphin spender... and by that I mean only spending on good deals or special bundles that come out on special events hahaha. Gacha games are still like gambling though, never will change but that's money I chose to spend. If anyone's ever known me for a while now, you'll know there's always a game on my phone that eats up all my memory space HAHAHA. That hasn't changed, it's just the name of the game that changes.

All in all I'm quite at peace with my life right now. Everything I have today was something I desperately prayed for, wished for, hoped for back when I was a small kid. I'm beyond grateful to be in a secure place in life right now, even if I can't seem to see what type of future I want for myself yet. Getting married? Having kids? Changing jobs? Investments? Getting a house? It's honestly hard for me to vision these things right now with the state of the country right now... I HAVE given thoughts about these, but it doesn't seem like the right time to unleash it right now. Seems I'm just building my savings before making that big move to take my life journey to another level.

So how do I feel at the moment? I feel relaxed in the mornings, a little aimless in the afternoons if I don't have a clear idea of what I need to do, or very focused if I do find something to do, and happily going through my evening routine as a break from the online world. Night times I feel the world slow down a little as I prepare to retire for the day. I do miss the social interactions with people outside of my family, so that's one thing I feel is missing from my daily life. But that's that, and I'll look forward to typing in another post for tomorrow.

Hope I didn't bore you if you did read this far. How are you feeling at the moment now? :) Take a moment to take a deep breathe and review your day. Maybe you'll discover something about yourself :)

 Hello.

It's been a long time since I've even logged in properly on my blog. It certainly feels nostalgic to look back on how I used to think, how I used to voice out my thoughts, how I used to view the world... So many years have passed since then and I'm happy to say that I've changed. Everyone has changed. The world has changed. We're all moving baby steps forward, and yet it's still great to look back occasionally to see how far we've grown. This blog post is here to dump my current stream of thoughts, so I do apologize in advanced if it jumps from topic to topic... I do need an outlet to release my thoughts :)

COVID-19 has changed everyone's lives drastically, mine included. I was first scared the heck out of it when I first heard wind of it around December 2019. When it started slowly spreading in Malaysia, before any of us really realize how deadly it could be. Fast forward quarantines, MCOs, and it's currently 2021? Time flew by so fast and now we're all stuck at home (mostly), trying to make ends meet. Yet the only thing I can say is that I'm super grateful for the luxury that I have right now.

Said luxury is...

Having a roof over my head. 

Having food to eat daily. 

Having good, stable finances. 

Having a secure job that still pays me. 

Having good health. 

Being able to see my family still healthy and alive. 

Being COVID free.

Being alive. 

and so much more that I might have taken for granted.

The one thing I really dislike is the fact that we're all at home. Socially distancing. It's like I forgot how to interact with people. It's like my social skills have deteriorated and right now I'm asking myself, how do I make a new friend again? I only speak to a handful of people on a daily or weekly basis. It's like my location-based friends are no longer (like work based friends, sports based friends, game based friends, etc). Yet I wonder when all this ends, will we be able to just casually pick up from where we left off?

I've been to the clinic a few times last month as well. Was a pretty scary time for me back in June. I was experiencing difficulties breathing at night. It felt like my chest was tight and pressured, the only way I could take a deep breath was to sit up, or to lay facing downwards. The fact that it only happened at night? Made me so scared to sleep. At times it felt like I was passing out instead of sleeping, and then I couldn't sleep. Going to doctors only made them pass it off as anxiety because my blood tests came back normal. And I still don't think I was stressed out or actually being anxious about anything.

They told me to relax and do more relaxing things. I was already doing that all day long. The only time I could breathe properly was when I was working out. Exercising properly made my body breathe correctly to maximize the workout movements I was doing. Then I stopped drinking tea, protein shakes, vitamin C, and suddenly I could breathe again at night. Was it just allergy? Was it triggered by foods? I have no idea. And neither do they.

I'm much better now by the way. I've been following a home workout programme and it has since strengthened my chest and back muscles, as well as my core. I didn't realize how bad of a couch potato the work from home life was turning me into. I was slowly gaining back all the weight I worked so hard to lose previously. My PCOS striked again, but listening to subliminals helped with that. It's dawned on me again how simple subliminals and daily affirmations can change one's life drastically. I remembered my best sales work achievements were during the times I kept listening to subliminals, and repeated positive affirmations to myself daily. Such a blessing to have positive thoughts and mindsets.

I do hope I will continue to live positively after this. It's a tough routine to drill into my body and system. Subliminals. Affirmations. Scripting. Journaling. Listening to podcasts. I am definitely thankful for discovering these methods to improve myself. It might not be for everyone, and even I don't practise this daily, but I know it helps my mental state whenever I need it. 

I do enjoy catching up with the latest animes, and the mangas behind them. Heck, I've even discovered some pretty good light novel reads as well! I'm amazed at how translators can do their best to retain the original meaning of the words across languages. I wanted to learn Japanese too. I was pretty good at the basics during the 1st MCO, but once I started getting back into my work routine, I did not make it a priority anymore. But my love for anime and mangas are still the same as always.

I've loved waching anime and reading manga as a kid. But growing up with people who didn't have the same interests as me made me feel so alone. So left out. I've seen some people who courageously told the whole world they liked anime and manga, and they were so bullied. So left out. I didn't want to end up like that. It was sad, trying to hide what I love without being able to share it with like minded people. These days it's easier, because I have Jason in my life. I've probably influenced him a great deal. He even listens to Japanese music now because of me. HAHAHA.

I already feel a lot better after writing a big chunk here on this blog post. The only thing still weighing on my mind, and something I've been trying to avoid... is change at the work place. I am so thankful to have found a nice boss and colleagues. My boss gives me opportunities to grow, and it comes together with a pay raise and promotion. I was so happy about it yet I felt like I did not deserve it at all. I felt like I wasn't ready, like I'm not that great of a staff he thinks I am. I felt so small at the meeting tables because I was the youngest, and the one with the least experience. I know it's a good stepping stone to learn and observe more. But I can't help but feel like I'm not doing enough to deserve the position that was given to me. I should be working harder to put myself on the threshold that I believe I should achieve eh?

I do binge watch videos on YouTube or read books that support my profession from time to time. Yet the lack of chances to actually practice what I've learnt because of the lockdowns right now.. feels like another all back and no bite moment you know? If it's anything else I've learnt to acknowledge about myself, it's that I don't like change. Change is good, but I am afraid of it still. I know I need to change certain habits to grow, yet I still fear the change. I guess deep down I am a Taurus haha. A stubborn fool who wants to do things the same way over and over again.

Yet this same fool realizes that the thoughts I think will shape me, the food I eat will shape me, the things I do will shape me. All that I am doing and thinking will define who I am. And to be the person I aim to become in the future, I do have to change. One small step at a time. Will you keep watching over how I change over the years? Who knows? I do hope that when I read my blog all over again in the future, that I'll be a much better person. That I'm grateful that I've become who I am then.

Tata folks! Thanks for reading :)